Clean & dirty

What is happiness? Is it real? If so, how is it?
I stumbled across my future life in a daydream. I want to be successful. I want be independent. I want a well-paying job. I want to live comfortably. I want this kind of house, this kind of car, in this location. I want to make my parents proud. I want to have this kind of style. I want to look like this. I want to share myself with the one. I want to meet God. I want to be able to give. I want to be a wonderful mother and a wife. In addition to all of that, I want to be happy. Is it simply selfish? Can I fulfill all of my superficial desires and be happy at the same time? Am I allowed to have both, or will I have to choose?

It is similar to choosing money over a certain person, or choosing a financially stable, but miserable future over a struggling, poor, but cherishing future. I can bet on myself that I would choose money and superficial needs. I will walk away to get ahead, even if it may hurt me. I have somehow become a very cold-hearted person. It is surprising. I judge books by its covers. I judge people on their outer appearances. I don't believe in love. I am not sure if I have experienced such feeling. Sure, I value and adore certain people in my life. But I cannot guarantee my own sacrifice for every one of them. Let's say.. a car was running into a person when I am behind them. If the person was my family or best friend, I would sacrifice myself by getting hit instead. But what about the others? I would simply walk away. Maybe stare out of sympathy for a few minutes. If they are not valued as superior in my heart, then I can give less shits.

I am confused in my own self.
I don't like this person that I am changing into.
Why has it become so hard to give?

I don't let people in unless I get in them first. I don't open myself to other until I gain genuine assurance. Assurance of what? that they are great people and they won't end up hurting me in the end? Don't I only see what they choose to show? I will never fully figure out an another person other than myself. What if I end up cutting people that might have had a special place in my life? I am scared. What if I miss out on the beauties of life?

Deep inside, I know what I truly want and truly need.
But I am limiting and restricting myself.

"I am a deeply superficial person." -- Andy Warhol, American artist

Proverbs 10:14

Wise men store up knowledge, but the mouth of a fool invites ruin.

2009, we are only 48 hours away from 2010.
It amases me how fast time goes by, even daily. When I sit down, drink a can of soda, and look at the clock again, hours have already gone by. Not by days though, I feel this year went slower than anything. Especially after I began attending a new school. Each day was a hassle. Maybe because I don’t enjoy or cannot appreciate my life as much as I should at the moment. As I reminisce back to the beginnings of 2009; how much I have grown, how much I have changed, how many circumstances I have gotten into, how many wrongdoings I have engaged into, how many times I broke down, how much I have realized, how much I have learned, how much I have lost, but also how much I have gained.

This new year of 2010, I don’t want to be the person(s) that I have been in 2009. I want to change, find my true identity, who I really am, and for what purpose I have been sent into this world.

I’ve had bottomless up’s and down’s this year. Even when I thought it was smooth or well, it wasn’t. If that even makes sense, but in 2010.. I want to find a new me. Not the “me” in myself that has infinite different personalities, but the REAL ME. “The one and only”

It always made me curious how people find that one “thing” that means the whole world to them, the moral that they live by, whether it maybe charity, justice, hope, patience, humility, fortitude, faith, grace, or whichever one, I am starting to believe I have found mine. Truth; Honesty.

I realized that truthfulness and honesty are my top virtues. It is the moral that hurts and angers me the most when it is broken. I have been dealing with fakers all my life, chasing after the right one. I am not a hypocrite, because I damn right believe I am one of them too. But I don’t want to be.. anymore.

This new year, I want to chase after for my virtues. Whatever situation or circumstance I may be thrown into, whether it may be beneficial to me or not, I am going to stick by the truth. I don’t want to live this life full of lies. I want to tear down the heavy masque.

I will stop lying, hurting people, prejudge people, steal, nor look down upon any.
I know for a fact the “steal” one is going to be a hard one, I am so..materialistic.
I will not let anyone of anything bring me down or change every bit in me. No matter what circumstances, I will stand strong with my head held high.

Speaking of that word.. I want a tattoo of it now!
I don’t think I’ll ever regret, since it’ll always be a keepsake.

P.S: I almost forgot! “Simplicity” is an important one for me too. Maybe that is why I love the color white so much. Clear everything!

Chocolate high

So, finally it's a new year. Well, not yet; but as I scrolled down through my blogs and murmurs on the web, I realized how complaining and depressing I am. So pessimistic right? So! I'm starting off this new year with a different of view in life. Disregarding all the happenings and sadness that has occured in 2009. Well, not fully there yet but I am on my way to it! No matter how hard it gets, how shitty it gets, how ununderstadable it gets, how hurtful it gets, how lazy it gets, how boring it gets, or even how lonely it gets.. whatever. I am just going to look at it and simply SMILE. 2010, this is MY YEAR. mmkay?!

Chocolate high- India Arie(feat. Musiq Chocolate) on REPREAT ya'll!

Lie

My dad is gone all weekend due to his company retreat. So I’m basically taking care of myself and alone all in the house weekend. It’s fine I guess, I’ll just be enjoying my indepence from here on out through Sunday night. During Spanish class while I was taking my quiz, a random thought came into my head: Oh! I should go to fnf since there’s food and I won’t have to starve at home! .. foolish of me. Going to church for food.. but whatever. I’m glad I went. It seems to me that every time I go, I learn and realize something new. Why is it that I tend to complain nonstop these days? Why am I so full of hate? Why am I so unloving? judgemental? prejudice? Man, I say it all the time to myself and everyone else; Yo. I hate these kind of people man that’s so bitch man that’s so messed up blah blah.. when I’m not doing myself right. When I don’t even have my own priorities straight. When I’m not even taking good care of myself, when I’m only blaming myself and putting myself down. Then, I catch myself laughing and having pity for others. Aren’t I the one with the most problems? Uh, hello? Look at your own self.

As I turn around and reminisce, man.. how different I was back then.
I see a major change in who I was back then. Why.. how.. what happened?

Where’d you go? because I missed you so. I mean even reading through the egocentric post from last night shows how miserly and selfish I am. Instead of complaing about and to myself then bringing myself down, I need to find confidence and grow with it. I need to love myself. I complain so much these days of how different things are and why I feel so damn alone in this world. Right now, I am so far from doing right. (OH!! it’s 11:11) I am farther to the real me than others are. If I don’t love and appreciate myself; even my most absurd mistakes.. then who else is going to love me? How am I even expecting others to accept and appreciate me for who I am when I can even do that for myself?

After all this time that we had, I found out I was living a lie.
After all the friendship and love that we made, I know now it’s not the same.

I woke up early one day, and something told me it wouldn’t be the same.
Now all I gotta say is.. why?

but I know now.

Come on Heather.. please get back up. Don’t back down..
disregard all your stupid little excuses. For your own sake and for your own good,
Find yourself again.

John 1:9
If you confess your sins, he is faithful and just and forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

No matter what circumstances I may be put through, there always is and will be that one special person who loves and sees me the same.. Jesus.. you.. gah. Thank you God.. this is truly a wakeup call for me. You are the LORD and no other.

xoxo

Endless possibilities.

I'm so amazed at how You take my life and love me more.
More than I deserve..
I'm blown away by Your power to change this life Once more.
I'm planted in You.
Who would know, that I was once on a road so far away from You?
All I know is that I live my life to show the world Your amazing love.
Your amazing love Your love is pure.
Your love so divine.
Your love transforms my soul my mind.
Your love has the power to bring new hope.
Amazing love Amazing love..
I'm so amazed at the wonder of all creation.
I will live to honour You my Lord You are the gold, treasure of all life.
I will rest in You in praise eternally.
Who would know that I was once On a road so far away from You?
All I know is that I live my life to show the world Your amazing love.
Your amazing Your love is so pure.
Your love so divine.
Your love transforms my soul my mind.
Your love has the power to bring new hope.
Amazing love Amazing love I'm so amazed...

Endless possibilities.. life is all about how you take control of it. Anytime anywhere, I can make the change. Why should I ever care of blind judgements? One life to live, today is today. It has its own treasures. After all, I can never bring "today" back! Therefore, never hesitate and take action. Spread the love!

Thanks be to God for this indescribable gift!
2 Corinthians 9:15

Finding me.

What am I missing? What are my true necessities? As I sit back and begin to reminisce this school year, I have done nothing but procrastinate and blame the world for my wrong doings. Running away from my problems, finding a somewhat temporary escape, trying to please whatever the world; getting sucked into the world to a point where I lose my identity. It hurts to say and see that I am not who I am, or who I used to be. How did this happen? I wish I knew. I seldom try to bring back the past in the most gullible ways, which Oops! I forget, I have no power to change time. Trying to make the impossible happen within myself; Oops, again! I cannot do it on my own without God. What am I fighting for? What are all these struggles for? What happened to all the goals I set before me? What about those promises to my loved ones? Questions after questions, that I can't find the answer to. driving myself crazy.. Slowly beginning to lose interest in everything, even my own self. Allowing the psychological to overpower me. Where did all my strength go? Whatever happened to the strong you? man, Questions after questions. This bullshit never stops. Yet, I am the only one to make the permanent change. It is my life, I take control. Deep inside, I have already found the answer. The power is already in my hands. What's only left is to beat myself to it. It's clearly time to let this immaturity go.

God, where were you when everything was falling apart?
Lost and insecure, you found me, surrounded..