Lie

My dad is gone all weekend due to his company retreat. So I’m basically taking care of myself and alone all in the house weekend. It’s fine I guess, I’ll just be enjoying my indepence from here on out through Sunday night. During Spanish class while I was taking my quiz, a random thought came into my head: Oh! I should go to fnf since there’s food and I won’t have to starve at home! .. foolish of me. Going to church for food.. but whatever. I’m glad I went. It seems to me that every time I go, I learn and realize something new. Why is it that I tend to complain nonstop these days? Why am I so full of hate? Why am I so unloving? judgemental? prejudice? Man, I say it all the time to myself and everyone else; Yo. I hate these kind of people man that’s so bitch man that’s so messed up blah blah.. when I’m not doing myself right. When I don’t even have my own priorities straight. When I’m not even taking good care of myself, when I’m only blaming myself and putting myself down. Then, I catch myself laughing and having pity for others. Aren’t I the one with the most problems? Uh, hello? Look at your own self.

As I turn around and reminisce, man.. how different I was back then.
I see a major change in who I was back then. Why.. how.. what happened?

Where’d you go? because I missed you so. I mean even reading through the egocentric post from last night shows how miserly and selfish I am. Instead of complaing about and to myself then bringing myself down, I need to find confidence and grow with it. I need to love myself. I complain so much these days of how different things are and why I feel so damn alone in this world. Right now, I am so far from doing right. (OH!! it’s 11:11) I am farther to the real me than others are. If I don’t love and appreciate myself; even my most absurd mistakes.. then who else is going to love me? How am I even expecting others to accept and appreciate me for who I am when I can even do that for myself?

After all this time that we had, I found out I was living a lie.
After all the friendship and love that we made, I know now it’s not the same.

I woke up early one day, and something told me it wouldn’t be the same.
Now all I gotta say is.. why?

but I know now.

Come on Heather.. please get back up. Don’t back down..
disregard all your stupid little excuses. For your own sake and for your own good,
Find yourself again.

John 1:9
If you confess your sins, he is faithful and just and forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

No matter what circumstances I may be put through, there always is and will be that one special person who loves and sees me the same.. Jesus.. you.. gah. Thank you God.. this is truly a wakeup call for me. You are the LORD and no other.

xoxo